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| A hoy thar, mateys! Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of pirates, curses and oh yeah...treasure! Evil, cursed treasure!
As it has been told for generations, it ‘twas the summer of 1809 when the pirate ship 'Incapable' sailed into port at the island of Fishburne in the Southern Caribbean. Yes, these pirates were men. Bad men. Some might say very bad men. Even others might say that they were women, but those folks are most likely drunk and incoherent.
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| Captain Bart “Peg-Leg” Buckthorne, his first mate Levi “One-Eye” Goodfellow and the ship's cook, Johnny “Three-Eyes” Canker (known as Three-Eyes because he kept Levi’s other eye in his pocket) stormed off of the ship and into the village. Men held their noses high, women covered the faces of young children and rushed them inside….for you see it had been very long since the pirates had bathed.
That night the crew of the Incapable were raisin’ a ruckus at the village’s only tavern and had somehow managed to befriend the village drunk, Solomon, for they felt a kinship with him. Late into the evening, and many many many pitchers of ale later, Soloman relayed some information that would eventually doom the three pirates. For Solomon told them that the villagers had discovered gold in the nearby mountains and had been forging gold coins and storing them in the village center.
“GOLD!” the pirates cheered, and in the dark corner of the tavern, they began formulating a plan to rob the village of its riches. After scheming late into the night and spending hours formulating their plan, they finally stormed from the pub, ran to the town center, kicked the door down, and began carting gold back to their ship. Hey, I never said they came up with a great plan, but it was a plan nonetheless.
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Their gold-heist was nearly complete when Soloman, sobering up somewhat, realized what he had done. “Stop!” he yelled at Captain Buckthorne and grabbed the bag of gold coins he was carrying, trying to rip it from his hands. In the ensuing struggle, a shot rang out into the night, and when the smoke cleared, poor, drunk, pathetic Soloman lay in a pool of his own blood, gazing into the night sky. Captain Buckthorne looked down at him, and Solomon, with his last breath, raised a finger and whispered “There be a curse on that thar gold….for anyone who touches more than one coin will not live to spend them. Thar be a curse on you! Thar be a curse on that gold! |
That be a curse on you all!....Yes, a wretched curse on every single one of you." And with that, Soloman's head slumped onto the ground.
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| Meanwhile the noise of the gunshot had awakened the other villagers, who quickly assessed the situation. Grabbing pitchforks, torches, sticks, and some ripe bananas, they chased after the three pirates. Captain Buckthorne, Levi Goodfellow, and Johnny Canker retreated to their ship, raised the sails and quickly sailed out of the harbor. However, the villagers, not willing to give up their gold boarded their own ship and gave chase. Around the coast of Florida they sailed, through the keys….back through the keys, back around the coast of Florida, through the keys again, and north they sailed. Onward they headed, through day and night, barely able to stay ahead of the angry villagers. Finally. after 2 weeks, the winds of chance brought them to Baltimore, where Captain Buckthorne, Levi, and Johnny unloaded their cursed treasure, and headed inland, the sounds of the villager’s dogs constantly following them.
Eventually, they reached the area around what is now Hershey, PA. Tired, hungry, and although they would not admit it, a tiny bit scared. They spend the night in an old abandoned building they had happened upon. That night they decided to hide the treasure in the South corner of the foundation and go their separate ways, hoping that the villagers would lose their trail. They drew a map of where they had hidden the treasure, tore it into three pieces, and distributed it amongst themselves. Lastly, they vowed to return in exactly one year, said their goodbyes, and parted ways.
Unbeknownst to them though, none of them would live long enough to return to claim the treasure. Perhaps it was the curse that Soloman had placed on them, or perhaps it was bad luck, or perhaps they were just clumsy, but the fact remains that the three met their ends in bizarre, fascinating, and mysterious ways.
Now, records of each of their fates are scarce, but through extensive research and analysis, I have pieced the following together. Perhaps if one could find each pirate's map, they would be able to find the treasure.
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Johnny 'Three-Eyes' Canker, the cook and perhaps the dumbest and clumsiest of the three did not make it very far. He walked about three miles and stopped to write in his journal, which coincidentally was the only thing they found on his body. His final entry reads as follows:
After parting ways with my longtime shipmates Captain Buckthorne and Mr. Goodfellow, I am now worried about my ability to survive alone. Since parting ways, I have walked North for about forty minutes, although it feels like one whole day. These past nine months have taxed me greatly, both physically and mentally. Just today, I have had to forge six deep streams and have tripped a whopping nine times. I am such a buffoon.
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| I am now tired, hurt, bleeding, and I have zero desire left to continue my journey onward. These old bones, they are hurtin', but forge on I must. It is only an short walk to the city, where I hope to rest. But for now the sun is setting in the West,and the coming darkness brings to mind the seven deadly sins, all of which I have committed during my six years aboard the Incapable. Now, alone in these woods, I reflect back on what that poor drunk fool Soloman said with his dying breath those three months ago. Are we really cursed? Have we doomed ourselves? Do we have zero chance of survival? How much gold is worth this agonizing torture? Surely I would not endure this for only twenty-three pieces of gold, would I? Perhaps I should just turn around and forget about this treasure. Yes, forget about this foolish quest for riches and go marry, have nine lovely children, and live out my remaining years in peace. No, I mustn't think like that. But as I stand here, I can feel Death’s cold grip upon my feet, soaking my shoes, and it fills me with this sinking feeling. Yes, sinking…sinking into this wet cold bog I am standing in. Wait a minute...wet? Cold? Bog? Oh dear Lord, I'm sinking into the bog!!! Oh I'm sinking...sinking...oh the humanity! Perhaps I should stop writing in this journal and try to get out, but that’s not the pirate's way. Goodbye cruel world, good bye **gurgle gurgle** |
His body was found many years later, sunken into the bog, but no trace of the treasure or his portion of the map was ever found.
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| Meanwhile, Levi 'One-Eye' Goodfellow, the first mate, had headed to Canada, where he quickly learned to replace “Ahoy Mateys!” with “G’day, eh?” He spent the next few months moving from village to village, always trying his best to remain unnoticed. Finally, after many stormy nights, he suddenly became paranoid, and he decided to travel to Idaho, where he checked into 'The Pack Rat Hotel' for the weekend. Yes, 'The Pack Rat Hotel' lived up to its name, and was disgustingly filthy, full of wild men, wild women, and even wilder insects. He checked in and settled into a private bath….where he was found several days later, drowned and bloated. The hotel owner, having no idea who this man was or if he had any family did what any good business owner would do….he dragged the body out back and left it in a field. Shortly afterwards, hotel guests began experiencing what can only be called supernatural events. The hotel |
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| quickly went bankrupt and years later it was discovered that the drowned man was indeed Levi, first mate of the Incapable. Legend has it that because he was never given a proper burial, his ghost still haunts 'The Pack Rat Hotel' and if one were persistant enough, he'd be able to find what has become known as 'The Ghost of Levi 'One-Eye' Goodfellow' at 'The Pack Rat Hotel' and convince him to give up the location of his portion of the map to the treasure. |
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Our final pirate in this story is Captain Bart 'Peg-Leg' Buckthorne. Legend has it he traveled south and lived in a small shack in the deep woods. The people in the village had no idea he had settled in their midst, until one day when a farmer and his daughter were walking along a country road. Suddenly, a disheveled man burst out of the woods, screaming of ghosts and sprits and treasure….a wretched treasure.... a wretched cursed treasure of cursed gold. For those readers who are a bit slow, that is where the name of this cache comes from.
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The farmer, stepping in front of his daughter, demanded to know what the man was blabbering on about. Taking a deep breath, the dirty, smelly man introduced himself as Captain Buckthorne of the ship Incapable, and launched into a fantastic tale of pirates, tropical islands, treasures, chases, and curses. Finally, Captain Buckthorne clutched his chest and collapsed right there on the side of the road. With his dying breath he whispered….the map….the map is in my shack.....in the shack…..”.
The farmer, intrigued by what he had heard, decided to search the man’s pockets. All he found was a rolled-up parchment. On the front were some cryptic drawings, and on the back was written only a few short words: “This is the key, but where did I hide the code?” The farmer took this parchment and stared at it for months, wondering what it could mean. Finally he put it away, and it was forgotten for nearly 200 years, until this writer picked it up a yard sale for 50 cents. I have taken the liberty of scanning both the front and back, but can not make heads nor tails of it.
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Front:
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Back:
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If anyone does ever manage to find this treasure, they would be wise to heed old Solomans words….do not take more than one coin, or you too will be cursed and may end up with a fate as nasty (or even nastier) than Captain Buckthorne, Levi and Johnny. Best of luck if you try!
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