[clop clop clop]
[whinny whinny]
GALAHAD:
The horses.. They’re nervous, Sire
ARTHUR:
Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
TIM:
Here? This is an unpaved turnout.
BEDEVERE:
Look! It's the old man from scene 24 - what's he Doing here?
ARTHUR:
He is the keeper of the Bunnypath. He asks each traveler five questions ...
GALAHAD:
Three questions Sir.
ARTHUR:
Three questions ... he who answers the five questions
GALAHAD:
Three questions.
ARTHUR:
Three questions, may cross in safety.
ROBIN:
(warily) And if you get a question wrong?
ARTHUR:
The Stone of Tremendous Peril is hurled dramatically upon your head.
ROBIN:
Oh ... wacho!
ARTHUR:
Oh noble Pathkeeper, what are you called?
PATHKEEPER:
Some call me... Tim!
GALAHAD:
Who's going to answer the questions?
ARTHUR:
Sir Robin, Brave Sir Robin you go.
ROBIN:
Hey! I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Launcelot go?
LAUNCELOT:
Yes. Let me. I will take it single-handed ... I will make feint to the north-east...
ARTHUR:
No, hang on! Just answer the five questions ...
GALAHAD:
Three questions ...
ARTHUR:
Three questions ... And we shall watch ... and pray.
LAUNCELOT:
I understand, my liege.
ARTHUR:
Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot ... God be with you.
PATHKEEPER:
Stop!
SIR LAUNCELOT stops. The KNIGHTS watch anxiously. ARTHUR sniffs briefly and glances momentarily down at SIR ROBIN's lower armor.
PATHKEEPER:
Who approaches the Bunnypath of Death
Must answer me
These questions three!
Ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT:
Ask me the questions, Pathkeeper. I am not afraid.
PATHKEEPER:
What is your name?
LAUNCELOT:
My name is Sir Launcelot.
PATHKEEPER:
What is your quest?
LAUNCELOT:
To find the Holy Cache.
PATHKEEPER:
What is your favorite color?
LAUNCELOT:
Blue.
PATHKEEPER:
Right.Off you go.
ROBIN:
Is that it? That's easy!
PATHKEEPER:
Stop! Who approacheth the Bunnypath of Death
Must answer me
These questions three!
Ere the other side he see!
ROBIN:
Ask me the questions, Pathkeeper. I am not afraid.
PATHKEEPER:
What is your name?
ROBIN:
My name is Sir Robin of Camelot!
PATHKEEPER:
What is your quest?
ROBIN:
To seek the Cache!
PATHKEEPER:
What is the sodium content of one bowl of Spud Point clam chowder?
ROBIN:
What?! But I don't know that!
Ahhh! Ahh! Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh-----THU-SQUASH!
GALAHAD:
Ooooooooooh - OooowEeeeeoooooo!
ARTHUR:
Dear God! Right! I'll have a go you scurrilous twit! Come forth with your five questions!
GALAHAD:
Three questions
ARTHUR:
Three questions!
PATHKEEPER:
What is your name?
ARTHUR:
It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
PATHKEEPER:
What is your quest?
ARTHUR:
I seek the Holy Cache!
PATHKEEPER:
How many paces beyond the Stone of Tremendous Peril Shall ye walk 'fore leaving from this deadly bunnytrail?
ARTHUR:
What do you mean? A Roman or Byzantine pace?
PATHKEEPER:
Eh? ... I don't know that! ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! KA-THWUMP!
BEDEVERE:
How do you know so much about bunnypaths?
ARTHUR:
Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. Nary 35 paces to go, ADVANCE!
TIM:
That's 70 paces Art.
BORS:
Great Cats! Aren't you dead?
TIM:
(Shrugs) Right, look eer' Behold the valley of Caerbannog!
ARTHUR:
Where?
TIM:
Right there, beyond the Stone of Tremendous Peril!
ARTHUR:
Right! Keep me covered.
GALAHAD:
What with?
ARTHUR:
W-- just keep me covered.
TIM:
TOO LATE!!! Here we go again. See! I told you e' ad a twin! LOOK! e's off that way!
[Knights duck excitedly]
ARTHUR:
What? Where? Down that little bunny trail?
TIM:
Well, 'tis no ordinary bunny trail,
GALAHAD:
You're off your head you pillock!
TIM:
No, it's the Bunnytrail of Death, with little nasty hoppers lolloping about yer ankles when ye least expect it!!
KNIGHTS:
Run away! Run away!...
ARTHUR:
No, not yet. Let's find this lair of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog's twin. We must have that cache!
BORS:
Oh LOOK! A Shrubbery!
TIM:
Right A shrubbery. Now watch the trail e' could be hiding anywhere!
GALAHAD:
Well... actually it isn't a shrubbery, it's a fern.
BORS:
But it looks like a shrubbery well enough?
GALAHAD:
Yes but you see, a shrubbery is a deciduous woody flowering plant, and these clump and bear spores.
ARTHUR:
Please! Cease this meaningless witter and keep your vigilance already!
LAUNCELOT:
Look up ahead sire, a tree!
ARTHUR:
Yes yes, What of it?
LAUNCELOT:
'Tis from a foreign land! Do you think a Swallow carried it here?
ARTHUR:
What, an Australian Swallow?
LAUNCELOT:
Perhaps if two carried it together as a sapling...
ARTHUR:
Oh never mind... Stop there! The trail turns.
LAUNCELOT:
I see it too! Just passed the Australian Swallow's tree from a foreign land!
GALAHAD:
No, not a "swallow’s tree", simply a tree that may at one time have been carried by a swallow, or swallows, as a sapling.
ARTHUR:
I said never mind, now move out to the left.
LAUNCELOT:
Yes, but hypothetically, if the two swallows carried it together they would need...
ARTHUR:
SHUT UP! I order you to SHUT UP!
TIM:
MERCY! LOOK!!
GALAHAD:
Ooooh!
[Launcelot draws his sword]
ARTHUR:
TAKE COVER! What now, oh Tim? Do you see the rabbit?
TIM:
NO! The trail she turns to the left. Ye silly knights.
BORS:
You nit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
ARTHUR:
Look up ahead, he speaks the truth! The trail turns again!
BORS:
Here, To the right?
ARTHUR:
No you nit! You've gone too far. Down here, to the left.
BEDEVERE:
Oh LOOK! I can see the horses! YooHoo! Up here! Under the Austrailian Swallow Tree!
TIM:
I'm going to vomit.
ARTHUR:
what?
TIM:
We're VERY close! Look just ahead. That shrubbery
BEDEVERE:
Fern.
TIM:
That fern, it must be here!
GALAHAD:
You mean that lovely green and brown speckled bucket?
TIM:
WAIT!! There he is!
ARTHUR:
What now?? Where?
TIM:
There! The Twin of The Evil Rabbit of Caerbannog!
ARTHUR:
Behind the little white bunny?
TIM:
That's HIM! He's has nasty sharp, pointy teeth! ....Look at the BONES!!
ARTHUR:
You nit, is that what we've been worried about? Bors, take care of it.
BORS:
Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
ROBIN:
Bors? Aren't you dead?
BORS:
No, that was you.
TIM:
Look!
[Squeak!]
BORS:
Aaaugh!
TIM:
I warned you!
ROBIN:
I done it again!
TIM:
Oh, no...
KNIGHTS:
Charge!
[Squeak Squeak Squeak]
KNIGHTS:
Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.
ARTHUR:
Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS:
Run away! Run away!...
TIM:
Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!